Starting Is the Hardest Part

I see what I want to achieve, but I don’t know how to make it happen.

What I picture is simple: a stream of me playing Elite Dangerous, charting my course across the galaxy while, in real life, I work my way across the world. Along the way, I’d teach myself Thai. I’d pick a starting point, set out, and just go.

But then… the Thoughts.

The thoughts that don’t mesh with who I am, or what I want to build. The thoughts that remind me the internet can be cruel. And so I hesitate.

Remembering Bangkok

I know this much: when I went to Bangkok, I had peace. Maybe it was just because I didn’t have work stress. Maybe it was because I could simply be for a while. But I was good.

I explored and discovered places that left me with more questions than answers. And not that I’m older than when I first went to Thailand, the experience is different. My perspective is different.

It could take me the rest of my life, and I probably still wouldn’t understand. What a cliche. What a dumb concept. And yet, it’s exactly what I want.

Bangkok Skyline from The Attic at Octave - August 5, 2025.

What I want

It’s not much. It’s simple.

Like anyone, I want to be rich and successful - but the pasture has always seemed greener elsewhere. That’s the allure, isn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to go somewhere else, do something else? But just as I face it, many stop at the same barrier: fear.

In the past, fear didn’t stop me.

• I joined the Navy at 17.

• I went to Japan for my first duty station before returning to the States.

• I studied fashion design in London and Paris for one summer.

But now? Now it does.

The Button I Can’t Press

I’ve streamed before - faceless, voiceless, with no goal, no idea, no plan for growth.

But the thing I want to do now? I can’t. I get to the point of pressing that button - Start Broadcast - and I freeze. To a world that isn’t listening, I can’t push “start.”

That voice that says it doesn’t matter is loud.

When what I really need is a voice to scram ทำได้ (tham dâai - “you can do it”) at me.

See? I’m trying. I have flashcards, books, TikTok accounts. But I can’t start. Because why should I? Who would want to watch another white guy struggling to move abroad, especially at my age?

What do I have to offer?

Maybe This

A start. A push. I need more of that tham dâai energy.

Tham dâai energy to just start.

To make the jounry begin.